College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
