Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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