I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize