FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
