WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
