You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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