I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
