I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
