don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
is wine microwaveable?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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