I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
