Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
