You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
