What tipped you off? The sombrero?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
