??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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