So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
