i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
