I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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