There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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