It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
