I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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