Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
