My friends, they love my intelligence
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
