I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
