I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
