Dual....:-)
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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