Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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