Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
