And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
