Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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