can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
