I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
