I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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