I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize