I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
