just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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