Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
