I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
