first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
