It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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