i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize