my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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