I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So apparently I’m into choking now
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