Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
