She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
