I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
