Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
