I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize