I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize