We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
