I wannas sexs uuuuu
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Watching her eat just hurts me
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
