I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
