I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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