Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
