I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize