I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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