omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
