yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
