my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
